Wednesday 17 March (8pm - 1am)

@ 12 Bar Club, 22-23 Denmark Place, WC2 (020.7916.6989) Tube: Tottenham Court Rd.

Paranoid jazz or mutant dicso? Attempting a description of Blurt, this was the question a confused and serious German journalist was asking 23 years ago, but one can equally imagine Ted Milton -- "one of British pop's greatest living eccentrics" -- eyeballing his audience and asking the same question - like, "what's it going to be tonight?" Despite the many colourful and entertaining attempts ("screaming and skronking"... "the deviant, volcanic sound of now" (2003!), "wild, mad, and utterly galvanising"), words never really do justice to the uniquely charming mix of terror and ecstasy to be found by standing in the same room as this band playing live. A nailed-down, funked-up, jagged rhythm section provides the grounding for Milton's legendary stage presence; a hilarious bouncing dada sculpture which gleefully barks one minute (voice) and farts the next (sax). No-no wave punk-funk provokes a form of laughter you didn't know you could make. Welcome to one of the underground's dearest and longest-kept secrets.

NB: Blurt come on around 10pm.

Wednesday 17 March (8pm)

@ Barfly, 49 Chalk Farm Rd., NW1 (0870.907.099) Tube: Chalk Farm

It's a fantastic feeling, watching a new band and realising that they're going to be huge. And that's exactly what happens when you see The Servant. Songwriter and lead singer Dan Black (with a name like that he has to be a rock star) fuses the attitude and sexual energy of hip-hop with the lyrical sensitivity of Damon Albarn, or when putting the knife in, the speedfreak '66-era Dylan. His knack for psychological vignettes ("when you make a cup of tea / you act like it's alchemy") elevate the songs beyond pop, while the peerlessly tight band keep things moving with more hooks than a Peter Pan convention. What you get is rock 'n' roll you can dance to, tunes you can whistle and lyrics you care about. This band serves up just what the music scene needs, a big act that neither takes itself too seriously (Radiohead, Coldplay, 50 cent...) nor drifts into pastiche (The Darkness, 50 Cent...). Judging by the thoughtful-looking girls starting to show up at the gigs, there'll be plenty willing to serve The Servant when their album breaks in the spring.

NB: The Servant will be playing with Three Children of Fortune and Bullet Galloway.

Wednesday 17 March (Wed 17/03 and Thu 18/03 at 9.30pm)

@ Jazz Cafe, 5 Parkway, NW1 (020.7916.6060) Tube: Camden Town

In a sentence, performance poet Ursula Rucker tells terrifying and tragic tales of urban reality. Often compared to black activist and icon Sonia Sanchez, her sonnets of sexual exploration and crack dealing adventures in wonderland trip off her tongue. Long before poetry slams were making a noise she made a break for herself performing at Philadelphia's Zanzibar Club self-promotion night. Word got about town and she was soon collaborating with producers and artists including King Brit, 4 Hero and The Roots, who added her sweet song-speak to dance and hip-hop tracks. Chosen to close three albums for The Roots, which opened the ears that would lead to the international success of her debut album Supa Sista (2001), she closed her current album Silver or Lead with the tragic track "Return to Innocent Lost", which then featured on The Roots album Things Fall Apart in recognition. "That's one of my most personal poems I've ever written in my life. It's mine," she explains of the lyrical documentation of her eldest brother's life and violent death. Rucker's choice of backing material is as diverse as her lyrics; mixed music influences combine to create her own jazzhop poetry, a snap shot of jazz, soul, hip-hop, song or poem, silver or lead.

NB: Rucker plays at the Jazz Cafe on Wed 17/03 and Thu 18/03. The Society, Danish producers Thomas Hass and Tommy Gee who remixed Ruckers single "Supa Sister", will be in support on both nights.

NB: The Support take the stage at 8.30pm.

Thursday 18 March (6:30pm)

@ Tate Modern, Bankside, SE1 (020.7887.8008) Tube: Southwark/Blackfriars

Walking the Judd retrospective at Tate Modern is a very odd experience. Any aesthetic impact comes as a big surprise, given that the exhibition resembles some kind of sci-fi obstacle course made from giant blocks of Lego. Don't be embarrassed if you have the urge to clamber up a Plexiglass column, or hop into the huge aluminium cubes... your inner child is bound to respond to the simple solidity of Judd's shapes and colours. His art is extraordinary. Take any piece and you're confronted with a paradox: how can something forged entirely out of artificial materials seem so genuine? How can something refer to nothing yet make absolute sense? How can a static structure possess rhythm and movement? How can an object show no evidence of its maker yet interact completely with other human beings? Judd's philosophy and techniques have inevitably had a huge impact on all areas of art and design. Liam Gillick and Haim Steinbach will be discussing this influence in a Platonic dialogue with art historian Mark Godfrey, as well as looking at Judd's relevance to their own experiments with sculpture and space in conceptual art.

NB: Tickets can be purchased online or via the phone on 020.7887.8888.

Special Offer: Print and present this web page to the Tate Modern ticket office and receive a "two for one" admission to the Donald Judd exhibition (ends 25/04).

Friday 19 March (10pm - 6am)

@ Electrowerkz, 7 Torrens St., EC1 (020.7837.6419) Tube: Angel

If you're up for a blow-out of dance-noise experimentalists, then get yourself over to Electrowerkz this Friday, possibly turning up in a bright yellow half-track (for example), because this is how the live acts will make this evening stand out from any other you've been to lately. The Wheels Instead of Hooves event puts forward a number of equally discernible full-on styles from East and West, under the wide-spanning umbrella of experimental dance music. Adaadat, the "free noise improv" label provide most of the talent on display as part of their ongoing tour - top of the list being Donna Summer (no, not that Donna Summer ...), whose disjointed '70s and '80s disco samples, when massacred to junglelistic lengths, yielded some dynamic, pounding and gutsy listening (soul disco this is not). Ove Naxx, on the other hand, promises us some techno-concrete from the games arcade, often based loosely on traditional Japanese instruments, it would appear (if you can make them out from under the pyroclastic distortion and pile-driven drum arrangements, that is...). With Utabi Hirokawa's blip-skip and a host of other live acts from Adaadat, Seed and 19-t, be prepared to have your cochleae pushed to their limits.

Saturday 20 March (Sat 20/03 and Sun 21/03 at 7pm)

@ Ocean, 270 Mare St., Hackney, E8 (020.8533.0111) Tube: Hackney Downs/Hackney Central Rail

If the Daleks didn't terrify the child of the '70s, Sparks did. The piercing stare and Hitler-tache Ron Mael sported during the "Top of the Pops" heyday of single This Town Ain't Big Enough for the Both of Us sent many a tot diving behind the settee for cover. Witty, art-pop lyrics are lost on the under-tens. Continuing to produce an influential body of work through the '80s and '90s, Sparks are still evolving some 32 years after their first release. Lil' Beethoven, released in 2002 to universal critical acclaim, and these two Ocean shows are set to be suitably symphonic performances of the album in its entirety. Those of a nervous disposition may wish to peer through their fingers if the Mael brothers veer from flamboyantly quirky to frighteningly queer.

NB: Sparks perform on both Sat 20/03 and Sun 21/03.

Saturday 20 March (10:30pm)

@ BBC Radio 3 (FM90-93MHz)

Dealer-about-town Thomas Dane is back! But more importantly, so is our Steve McQueen. In collaborating to launch their new gallery, McQueen is also speaking on Radio 3 with that uber-Beckettian muse, actress Billie Whitelaw. The words "into this world" begin Samuel Beckett's play Not I, and are also the title for the Amsterdam-based artist's show, which consists of a video and slide projection/sound piece from 2001. Though not directly related to the great Irishman's writing, the Turner Prize-winner's pieces share similarities with Beckett's not just in formal terms. Given Beckett's and McQueen's mutual interest in Buster Keaton, identity and foreignness, it is entirely appropriate to meet up with the actress most associated with Beckett's oeuvre, add to that linguist William Samarin and sound-poet Chris Cheek and you have a conversation about the boundaries of vocal expression.

NB: This programme can be heard online the following week. Steve McQueen will open at Thomas Dane (11 Duke St., SW1) on 31/03 (12 - 8pm; runs till 15/05).

Saturday 20 March (10pm - 7am)

@ The End, 16a West Central St., WC1 (020.7419.9199) Tube: Tottenham Court Rd./Holborn

Since its incarnation 10 years ago, Bugged Out! has become one of the world's finest club nights, and has attracted some of the world's top DJs and producers to their highly regarded parties, tonight being no exception. Returning to the main room is Montreal-born DJ-producer, Tiga, known for his sharp and glamorous Gigolo-style sound and his electro-pop covers of Corey Hart & Nelly that threatened the mainstream. Joining him is one half of Output Recordings' Black Strobe, Ivan Smagghe -- who is launching his Bugged Out! Suck My Deck compilation on the night. Resident DJ at Paris' Kill the DJ night, Smagghe is a purveyor of downright filthy electronic house as can be heard on his How to Kill the DJ and Death Disco mix CDs. The lounge plays host to Bugged Out!'s resident Trash-man, Erol Alkan. One-time bootlegger, Kurtis Rush is now an international superstar DJ, playing the kind of records he loves without compromise. It's a style and practice similar to that of the Glasgow club Optimo -- whose melting pot of sounds and musical experimentation promises to add a thrilling mix of the old and new, disco and punk, techno, rock and obscure home-made edits to the night.

NB: Also joining them is London's finest be-quiffed DJ Nathan Gregory Wilkins, Jockey Slut's Chris Blue and Anthony Teasdale, Nathan Detroit and Phil Youngman in AKA.

Sunday 21 March (5pm - 12am)

@ Neighbourhood, 12 Acklam Rd., W10 (020.7524.7979) Tube: Ladbroke Grove/Westbourne Park

Lazy Dog is dead, but in the midst of its innocuous demise, it spawned two bastard children: Jay Hannan's Underdog, and of course, Buzzin' Fly (also the name of Watt's record label). Now that Ben Watt has quit his dogging habit, though his pastime was somewhat more savoury than Mr Collymore's, does this mean the musical direction has changed? Does it arse... but that's by no means a bad thing. Watt continues to spin his own distinctive brand of twee-house, music you can almost hear smirking as it is so smooth, uplifting, soulful and saturated with melodic goodness. In fact the latest mix album, which this party is launching, is subtitled in an almost medicinal way: "replenishing music for the modern soul". For any "modern souls" who need a lift or are feeling humdrum, it seems like an instant cure might be waiting down in Notting Hill on this Sunday night; we only hope refunds are in order for the "non-replenished". On this occasion, Watt is joined by the exciting Martin Solveig, the young Parisian DJ/producer, on what should be a very palliative way to end a busy weekend.

Monday 22 March (6:30pm)

@ Bartlett School Of Architecture, Gower St., WC1 (020.7679.7504) Tube: Euston Sq.

Eric Owen Moss is the cod liver oil of architecture -- the taste is a bit funny, but it does us all good in the end. A dye-in-the-wool utilitarian, he's synonymous with mixed-use developments, performing arts centres and commercial spaces -- provoking gushing praise and apoplectic slating in equal measure. Whatever your view, the US architect's firm belief that practitioners should also be teachers -- a fine tradition stretching back to Plato and beyond -- means we get to peer into one of the finest minds of our generation. Moss will take in several of his headline projects worldwide, including the Smithsonian in Washington DC, Mexico City Library and the Guangdong in China among others. Fans, no doubt, will probe for an insight into The Box -- a bizarre, twisted rooftop extension of an industrial building and the wacky centrepiece of his revitalisation of a great deal of Culver City, LA. Even the anarchists will be entertained: the "top architect of a new generation" regularly sprinkles his work with junk materials and scrap metal.

NB: The talk will take place in the Darwin Lecture Theatre at UCL. At the same venue catch Kolatan MacDonald Studio on Thu 18/03 and Ian Ritchie on Thu 25/03.

Monday 22 March (7pm)

@ Cherry Jam, 58 Porchester Rd., W2 (020.7727.9950) Tube: Royal Oak

Music and the visual arts have always been integrally bound together, and of late London is taking note of those designers, artists, photographers, animators and filmmakers responsible for translating the rhymes and rhythms of all manner of musicians, singers and DJs into diverse aesthetic identities. Pictures on Walls, Fact magazine and PYMCA are just three such organisations currently showcasing music-oriented visual work, and in doing so are shifting the traditional gallery space into a whole new dimension. White walls and gallery guides are replaced by informal in-shop gatherings and private views in clubs, with live music and DJs to match. Re-launching its bi-monthly event, SHIFT is a West London take on the music -- visual arts crossover, in reverse. Starting next Monday, it's set to present a changing selection of audio-visual work at the newly refurbished Cherry Jam, from animation to shorts, backed up by a sharp selection of electronic soundtracks. Promoting itself as a relaxed and eclectic affair, expect top of the range digital design from Ninja Tune and The Light Surgeons, to Johnny Hardstaff and Shynola. The first of these events includes work from the digital film festival onedotzero, whose annual festival at the ICA showcases some of the most exciting new digital film around. The night includes a talk from onedotzero festival organiser Anna Doyle.

Monday 22 March (7pm)

@ V&A Museum, Cromwell Rd., SW7 (020.7942.2000) Tube: South Kensington

Welcome, to Celebrity Death Match Metaphor Time: In the big red beautifully branded corner, corporate leverage oozing out of every pore it's brand guru Wally Olins! Across the ring: a feeble anti-globalisation movement. Ding Ding -- it's Round One: The Eighties! Wild Wally is straight in there with the P&O flag thing and some revolutionary, world-changing theories on the power of corporate identity. Blood and guts everywhere as the Brand Wagon steamrollers traditional marketing. Ding Ding -- Round Two: The Early Nineties. Olins-mania peaks as BT choose a small blue and red piper chappie to symbolise their global might. But brand mania rules: I'm a brand, you're a brand! Everyone is brand clappy happy! The future's Orange. But wait, what's this? It's some kind of anti-brand! It's... No Logo. Ding Ding -- Round Three: Millenia! Oh my, it's messy. Consciences mangled, blood on the walls, corporate ethics stand defiantly on Enron's corpse as McDonald's and Shell creep up behind looking nonchalant. But Wiley Wally Olins -- the godfather of branding, has... re-branded! From his West Kensington abode he ventures out to help "good" NGOs and charities armed only with his harmless "hello, I'm Wally" website. Can granddad Olins sleep at night? Here's a chance to find out.

NB: To purchase tickets call 020.7942.2271. For those of you that cannot make it next week then catch Olins at the Institute of Education on 22/04 (part of the D&AD's President's Lectures).

Giveaway: We have two copies of Wally Olin's On Brand (Thames & Hudson) to give away. They'll go to two randomly picked Flashers who can tell us in what year was Wolff Olins founded.

Monday 22 March (7:30pm)

@ Hackney Empire, 291 Mare St., E8 (020.8985.2424) Tube: Bethnal Green

The creative soundscapist behind almost everything from 19th-century Kiwi romp The Piano through The End of the Affair to the stark flick Gattaca with its genetic superclass, composer Michael Nyman appears to score even more prolifically than Beckham. Not only does the man have fantastic mass appeal (of the type that makes turtle-necked connoisseurs groan), he enjoys serious musicological credibility. A former critic, in 1968 he was the first to apply the word "minimalism" to music. He has respect within the experimental avant-garde (composing for no less than 11 of Peter Greenaway's wacky films), and is just a bit "street" as well, having collaborated with Damon Albarn in scoring Antonia Bird's 1998 film Ravenous. But there's something for East Side glamour pusses and souf London's disaffected youf too! In 1993, Nyman provided an aural backdrop for Yohji Yamamoto's fashion parade; three years later, he scored the computer game Enemy Zero. On Mon 22/03 he will be celebrating his 60th birthday by plonking the ivories at the newly refurbished Hackney Empire (yes, he promises to play excerpts from The Piano). The man's a bloody genius. Go.

Tuesday 23 March (7:30pm)

@ South Bank Centre, SE1 (0870.401.8181) Tube: Embankment/Waterloo

Fresh Fictions is a series of talks at the South Bank Centre, showcasing the brightest stars of the contemporary British literary scene. Trezza Azzopardi and Sarah Hall are among the writers featured, who will discuss their new novels, published this spring. Both have written highly acclaimed debuts: Azzopardi's The Hiding Place was shortlisted for the 2000 Booker Prize and Hall's Haweswater won a Commonwealth Best First Book Prize in 2003 and her most recent book, The Electric Michelangelo has just been longlisted for the 2004 Orange Prize for Fiction. Their latest novels explore life on the margins of conventional society, encouraging readers to think outside the box. Azzopardi's Remember Me follows the story of Winnie, a 72-year-old bag lady living rough. When her closed existence is shattered by a random act of violence she is forced to confront the ghosts of her past. Subtle in observation and rich in atmosphere, Remember Me explores the shades of grey that blur the boundaries between reality and fantasy. In contrast, Hall's The Electric Michelangelo paints this dichotomy in techno-coloured hues. The novel charts the life of Cy Parks, a tattoo-artist, on his journey from Morecambe Bay to Coney Island, where Cy becomes enamoured with Grace, a mysterious circus performer who asks him to cover her body in tattooed eyes. A sheer rollercoaster!

NB: The event will be chaired by Andrew Holgate, Deputy Literary Editor of The Sunday Times. Sarah Hall will also make an appearance at the Faber Young Fiction event at Foyles on 15/04 at 6:30pm. Check website for details.

Giveaway: We have five copies of The Electric Michelangelo (Faber & Faber) to give away. They'll go to five randomly picked Flashers who can tell us where or what is "Haweswater".

Wednesday 24 March (7:30pm)

@ ICA, The Mall, SW1 (020.7930.3647) Tube: Charing Cross/Piccadilly Circus

Multi-instrumentalist band JOMF will be doing an exclusive London show for those unfortunates without tickets to the second weekend of the ATP festival. Originally formed in Portland, Oregon, 10 years ago by Tom Greenwood and Jeff Brown the band is one of the main figures behind the "new weird Americana" movement (like New York's No Neck Blues Band or Sunburned Hand of the Man collective). The band's collective aspect is at the heart of its philosophy, having had up to 20 rotating members from three US cities. It's even more impressive as each member manages to imbue a particular instrument unto their incredibly influential array of sounds during their live performances. It is, in the words of Roadcone, "an anthropological foray into America's musical history, as filtered through the Jackie-O psych treatment". Here, JOMF will present their most recent release Wow! The magic Fire, a marvellous double album from earlier projects, and will be joined by the great and prolific Bardo Pond, also with new double release On The Ellipse and heading to that same ATP weekend curated by Steve Malkmus, Sonic Youth and Foundation itself. Simply unique!

NB: JOMF will also perform a set on the following day on The Wire's "Adventures in Modern Music" on Resonance104.4fm (Thu 25/03 at 9:30pm).

Sunday 21 March (9pm - 3am)

@ Madame JoJo's , 8 Brewer Street (020 7073 0473 ) Tube: Oxford Circus

Feast your eyes, and at a later stage your ears, on this... Keb Darge, (grizzly Scottish funk stalwart of the rare groove scene) has suddenly been suffused with the birthday spirit and invited a pair of superstars to his usually modest residency. Hard to believe that he'll actually squeeze between the doors of this "spatially challenged" venue, but Kenny "Dope" Gonzales -- rude boy, B BWOY extrordinaire, MAW legend will be "in the house". Alongside this master, who spins sublimely deep funk for fun, will be perhaps the most astonishing presence behind the decks and studio knobs, in music today... DJ Shadow. Although Shadow (Josh Davies to his mum) has actually pledged on his website to keep his set strictly funk-based and not rip our heads off with any amazing deck histrionics, or turntable heroics (more's the pity), this is sure to be an unmissable selection. It doesn't take an astute purveyor of the music scene to predict that this night will be truly off the hook, with a murderous selection of painfully funky sounds screaming at you to grace de dancefloor. The only challenge left is to get a ticket -- they do exist, but you intrepid Flashers will have to beat the throng and get there first... may the funk be with you!

NB: To purchase tickets click here.

Ends Thursday 1 April

@ Various cinemas across London

It's always a good sign that Brad Pitt's production company has bought your film and Marty Scorsese is remaking it. But Pitt should be honoured to play Hong Kong mega-star Tony Leung ( Remember him... he's Billie Whitelaw to Wong Kar-Wai's Sam Beckett!) It is often difficult to explain to a Western audience the melodrama and intensity that is the requirement of Eastern eyes. Thus said, Infernal Affairs is a tale of deceit, betrayal and honour, that are both classic and Chinese themes. Two young moles infiltrate the police and Triads and stay undercover for decades; one has to catch the other before it's too late. Nice symmetry, though somewhat Hollywoody. It derives its impact from the two classic matinee-idol leads -- Andy Lau and Leung -- with their respectively, intense and languid performances. The guns are but a side show. Do not expect John Woo or Jackie Chan, in Asia they're already on Infernal Affairs III.

Ends Saturday 3 April (Wed to Sat 12 - 6pm)

@ Standpoint Gallery, 45 Coronet St., N1 (020.7739.4921) Tube: Old St.

A tribute to all the small things we do to eat up our spare time, Time On Your Hands is a playful collection of innovative time-killers and curios, obsessive behaviours and impossible tasks. For those fond of cards as well as masturbating their free time away, a set of very dirty playing cards describe a selection of favourite moments alone -- a must for the adventurous and lonely soul. Bob and Roberta Smith contribute a corner cluttered with cast-offs and chattels; a mantelpiece festooned with an eclectic collection of objects conspiring to waste both time and space at once. Nick Ramage's electric doodling hopper and cumbersome and elaborate circling device are contrived to pass time perhaps on our behalf. A series of abandoned jigsaw puzzles are a framed and mounted monument to apathy, and a bizarre obsession with connect-the-dots denotes an insurmountable surplus of time meticulously clocked and cancelled out. A whimsical anthology of dead-time consumables, Time On Your Hands is an in-depth examination of the art of time passage.

NB: Runs till 03/04.

Ends Saturday 3 April (Mon to Sat 7:45pm; Mat 3pm)

@ Hampstead Theatre, Eton Avenue, NW3 (020.7722.9301) Tube: Swiss Cottage

A master of dialogue and closely observed psychological episodes, it's not hard to appreciate why Hanif Kureishi's writing is as suited to theatre and film as it is fiction. Centring on the unexpected visit of Jane to her estranged stepfather's home, Kureishi's latest play, When The Night Falls, is as bleak a vision of human relations as any Beckett or Pinter, the latter instantly conjured up by the shabby, inner-city flat in which the drama is confined. The play's originality lies, in part, in the combination of this claustrophobic grittiness -- embodied by the hard-drinking, working-class Cecil -- and the more glamorous Hitchcockian thriller elements of suspense and literally knife-edge tension introduced by the haughty, murderous figure of Jane. With the brutal revelation of the reason for the visit comes the inevitable unravelling of the two protagonists' traumatic relationship and the horror of buried family secrets. As an abused stepdaughter and recently widowed young mother, Jane's serial victimhood should surely inspire unconditional sympathy. Yet the uncomfortable social dichotomy that Kureishi sets up -- rich, boho heiress, whose hysteria is channelled through therapy-speak, versus ex-bus driver with a commitment to trade unions -- coupled with Cecil's obvious continued devotion to Jane's mother, makes the spectator guilty slow at aligning themselves with her. A grimly real nightmare. (Runs till 03/04.)

Talk: Catch Kureishi discuss the play on Mon 29/03 (6:30pm). To purchase tickets for the play and/or talk call 020.7722.9301.

Giveaway: We have five copies of the play When The Night Falls (Faber & Faber) to give away. They'll go to five randomly picked Flashers who can name the actor and actress in the film of his book Intimacy.

Monday 5 April (8pm)

@ Royal Festival Hall, South Bank, SE1 (020.7960.4203 or 4242) Tube: Embankment/Rail Waterloo

Vincent Vito Gallo remains a hugely entertaining figure despite a critical reception that typically ricochets like a pinball between opprobrium and adoration. His public pronouncements are commonly misanthropic, self-regarding and hilarious, and his manic auteurship defines the term control-freak. Indeed, such is his fear of misrepresentation that in 1997 he interviewed himself for the Beastie Boy's Grand Royal magazine ("Imagine, little old me, the great Vincent Gallo, getting to interview him, oh my God, the great Vincent Gallo"). His accomplished film CV ranges from a heartbeat cameo in Goodfellas to acting, writing and directing in the lauded Buffalo 66 (1998) and lambasted The Brown Bunny (2003). Similarly, having sourced antique stereo equipment since his teens, Gallo has performed in any number of bands, and recorded his full-length solo debut for Warp in 2001. Marking a departure for the Sheffield electronica label, When consisted of 10 softly amplified sweetheart lullabies sung by the man himself and self-accompanied on his beloved Gibson 400. Tonight he will perform this album in its entirety, assisted by Sonic Youth's Steve Shelley and Jim O'Rourke.